Peace with Mom
Prior to getting sick, and during it, a long forgotten memory floated in and out of my head. It was a scene in the house I grew up in, and my mom was particularly frustrated about something. I don’t remember what that something was, but I do remember her screaming at me, “I hate you!!!!” I could see the rage on her face, but as I imagined the scene, no emotion registered.
While sick, I knew I was going to have to take that up with the Lord, but certainly not until I was better.
And then the day came. I heard the Lord’s voice calling me, to sit with Him, and look at this. I came before Him, not quite sure what I was to do with this memory. It was so long ago, I had no emotion about it, and I couldn’t see how it had affected my life. It was just mom during “that” season of her life. I knew she did not hate me…. then or ever…didn’t I?
And so, I merely asked the Lord, “What do I do with this, Lord?” Quite astoundingly, He answered, “Write her a letter.” Well, my mom has been in Heaven, with the Lord for over 19 years… a letter?
Sweeping my doubt aside, I wrote the words, “Dear Mom..” and then the floodgate of buried tears poured out of my heart. There was something so vulnerable and intimate in the letter, that I became immediately uncomfortable. Nevertheless, with the encouragement of the Lord, I pressed on. I won’t bore you with the details of that letter, but in it, I realized that from that day, I had steeled myself to her, vowing that I would never let her hurt me in that way again. I was 10.
In the letter I realized that that was one of the first decisions of many that set me up to become self-sufficient, with a protective barrier around me, not letting anyone get too terribly close. (This, by the way, is what the word calls, a “stronghold.”) Throughout my life, though I always had a number of good friends, I had curiously experienced that feeling of being alone.
Well, as I continued writing, the words flowed out of my pen… words of loss, regret, sorrow, and forgiveness. And then, after all the tears were shed, another amazing thing happened. I heard her expressing her sorrow and regret, and asking me for forgiveness. (My mom never did that while alive!) She explained that she did not know true love, but now she does. She encouraged me to be free, and that the Father would make everything right. And then she told me how much she loved me.
As if that wasn’t enough of a gift from the Lord, the next thing that happened stunned me. I saw the scene again of my mom screaming at me those hateful words…. but this time, the Lord Himself was standing behind her, staring into my eyes saying with great peace and assurance, “Don’t worry. I will take care of this. I will take care of you.”
I finished my letter to my mom. But now, it was a love letter… a proclamation of my love and gratitude for her and our Father … that she was with Him, enjoying her eternal life and I would join her one day where together we would delight in His complete and total restorative beauty. I breathed a cleansing sigh. I am free and at peace with Mom.
It has been an amazing past couple of weeks. Many things have opened up for me, one being the recognition of my need to team up with people I can trust and count on, people who are on board with my mission and call.
No more being a Lone Ranger.
In God’s favor and faithfulness, new people are coming into my path, and old relationships are evolving into deeper ones. More opportunities to speak, minister, and coach are being presented almost daily… and I am not afraid of the increased exposure! I have come to see how much self-doubt I have had, because truly, the job I have to do, can’t be done by just little ole me! Feeling inadequate is something I have long struggled with, and now I know why! Certain missions are not meant to be done alone.
Maybe you could use some coaching support in who you are, what gifts, talents, and strengths you have, and where God has you going. If so, let me know and we can talk about how I might assist and serve you.
